'Life is Hard; And so am I...

...You better give me something, so I don't die'

Thats how the song goes anyway.
Work life sucks like a gaping chest wound
Personal life is on an even, but flat, keel ( better than hitting rocks I guess )
Finding it hard to be a good friend to my best friends 'cos I've nothing left to give them. I love them but, for different reasons, they need my support and love. This is always unconditional as it should be, and until recently, I thought I had an infinite source of it..

I'm just tired and grumpy (again, better than being just tired; thats not good)

I've taken the decision to go 'head-down, arms in' which is unlike me to be selfish, but I need to re-charge my batteries so I can refocus on work, my family and hopefully my friends.

I'll let you know how it all goes...

Dry Your Eyes Mate..

In one single moment your whole life can turn 'round

I stand there for a minute starin’ straight into the ground

Lookin’ to the left slightly, then lookin’ back down

World feels like it’s caved in – proper sorry frown

Please let me show you where we could only just be, for us

I can change and I can grow or we could adjust

The wicked thing about us is we always have trust

We can even have an open relationship, if you must

I look at her she stares almost straight back at me

But her eyes glaze over like she’s lookin’ straight through me

Then her eyes must have closed for what seems an eternity

When they open up she’s lookin’ down at her feet

Dry your eyes mate

I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up

There’s plenty more fish in the sea

Dry your eyes mate

I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts

But you’ve got to walk away now

It’s over

So then I move my hand up from down by my side

It's shakin’, my life is crashin’ before my eyes

Turn the palm of my hand up to face the skies

Touch the bottom of her chin and let out a sigh

‘Cause I can’t imagine my life without you and me

There’s things I can’t imagine doin’, things I can’t imagine seein’

It weren't supposed to be easy, surely

Please, please, I beg you please

She brings her hands up towards where my hands rested

She wraps her fingers round mine with the softness she’s blessed with

She peels away my fingers, looks at me and then gestures

By pushin’ my hand away to my chest,

from hers

Dry your eyes mate
I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you’ve got to walk away now
It’s over

And I’m just standin’ there, I can’t say a word

‘Cause everythin’s just gone I’ve got nothin’

Absolutely nothin’

Tryin’ to pull her close out of bare desperation

Put my arms around her tryin’ to change what she’s sayin’

Pull my head level with hers so she might engage in

Look into her eyes to make her listen again

I’m not gonna fuckin’, just fuckin’ leave it all now

‘Cause you said it'd be forever and that was your vow

And you’re gonna let our things simply crash and fall down

You’re well out of order now, this is well out of town

She pulls away, my arms are tightly clamped round her waist

Gently pushes me back and she looks at me straight

Turns around so she’s now got her back to my face

Takes one step forward, looks back, and then walks away

Dry your eyes mate
I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you’ve got to walk away now
It’s over

I know in the past I’ve found it hard to say

Tellin’ you things, but not tellin’ straight

But the more I pull on your hand and say

The more you pull away

Dry your eyes mate
I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you’ve got to walk away now
It’s over

(The Streets)

Panic, Chaos & Disorder; my job here is done...

A quickie to let you know that:

I am still here - in mind, spirit and body, which is a first for a while. Yay me...

I'm VERY excited 'cos I got two tickets to see the EELS at the Royal Albert Hall in October !!!

http://www.eelstheband.com/main.asp

laters... ( what does that mean? )

Back to Kabul

So my best friends back in Afghanistan, after a brief 10 day holiday back home, which comprised of him getting married, having a VERY short honeymoon, and being called back a day early.

He looked very well and actually very relaxed, which was nice to see. Where he is ( in the North ) is relatively safe compared to Southern Afghanistan, and to other theatres he's been in previously. Almost a walk in the park...

In other news, 'we're just Ordinary People' (John Legend) is on the radio - what a great track.

You know when you get that thing when you feel you're the ONLY one in the world that has the problems you do; and then an overheard conversation on a plane, or a song lyric ( Like Coldplay - Fix You !!) plays & you know its not just you?

Doesn't help for long does it..?

And now, over to our correspondent in Boston...

So thats it, the meeting is over and my vacation starts... NOW! - Went to a Diamondbacks game last night against the Houston Astros - Saw Clemens give a Home Run away (Apparently thats a BAD thing, according to my guide, but this is only my 4th game), and as we came out of the game , we had a monsoon!! I had to drive back, as I was more used to this weather than my Californian host / driver who has never aquaplaned in a vehicle before!

And tomorrow, I fly to Boston to meet my wifey for our long-awaited honeymoon, after 4yrs marriage 22 yrs together, kids, mortgage, etc. I don't tend to do things 'linearly'... Should be good fun, despite the recent Air France crash that makes flying that bit more nerve-racking than it needs to be. Thank good training that all the passengers and crew got out alive.

..Yeah, but its a DRY heat.

So I'm currently in Arizona on a big meeting / conference thing. 100 degrees +, but hardly any humidity, so its like being in a dry sauna. It's actually not that bad; back home its obviously much cooler, but with a higher humidity which I think is much more uncomfortable.

We've had some time to explore, so we've 'done' Sedona for a day which is amazing - I'll post some piccies when I get back home ( not for another 9 days ) - almost got to the Grand Canyon, but thats a story I'm not sharing at the moment, so don't even ask.

Just about to head off for a 'Cowboy Cookout' - I guess thats Arizona talk for a barbeque? I'll let you know...

Got a few more days here, then its up to Boston for a few days vacation! Can't wait for that!

Back in the States again..!

...and I'm so tired I can't think straight to write! After all this time away tho I thought I'd post something just so y'all would know I'm still here.

Don't know it sticks in my mind with all the news that has happened but I watched the live broadcast of the shuttle doing its balletic backflip so they could take photos; that was amazing - watching this small craft doing that manoevre against the backdrop of a blue planet whizzing past at 5 miles per second. wow. aren't we insignificant in the big scheme of things

Been in Germany...

...on a training course for work. We were staying in a hotel without internet hook up, hence no bloggy-poos all of last week! So I have a lot of catching up to do.

The trip was ok-ish; good food ( wild boar - yummy! ) and VERY good beer. Oh, and the training went ok.

Favourite Trip-Tracks whilst sitting in airport lounge / plane
Jem - Flying High
Damien Rice - Cannonball
The Shins - New Slang / Those to Come
Ian Dury - What A Waste / Reasons to be Cheerful
Moby - Extreme Ways
Evanescence - My Immortal


Favourite Trip-Film whilst sitting in hotel room drinking aforementioned beer:
High Fidelity
Dogma
Bourne Identity
Cheers - Series 1

Didn't want you to worry...

Would have done this sooner, but we've been phoning friends and family who still live on London and commute daily; They are all OK. A major relief to us here ( We moved out of London in '89 )

Still watching news feeds - the efforts have now gone from 'rescue' to 'recovery'; and our emergency services are all doing a superb job.

After all these years of different terrorist organisations bombing soft targets in countries around the world, do the terrorists really think this will finally have an effect on us?

Do they think the two ladies in the picture, or the victims families, are suddenly going to be shaken into empathy with their cause?

'Special K' (Please ignore - Work in Progress!!)

I see you every day, before I wake
And you take my breath away
I'm lost between crying, running and dying
Cos you take my breath away
I act stupid and nonchalant
After you take my breath away
and I can't think or see straight
When you take my breath away

The ache is so real
I think my chest will explode
But these feelings aren't allowed,
now you're mind and body are elsewhere
My body is here, but you have my mind
And I know I'm no longer in yours

The antacids aren't working,
only your love fixes me
but another empty mailbox
reminds me why it burns

Still want you though,
and I know the pain won't go
But you're happy now
so that has to be enough for me

I can still taste you,
I can still smell you
and I can still affect you
but I don't want to scare you away

This misery feels so sweet
but feeling this good
doesn't make it right

I HAVE to go pee!!!

Its been nearly 14 hours of channel flicking to watch the Live 8 concerts from the UK and other countries and it was absolutely brilliant! Kofi Annan and Nelson M made me cry, as well as certain songs that were played; What a way to cap the week I've had -

My problems and issues are so small in comparison to the HUGE issues globally. At least I have more than 3 seconds to do something about them. At least I'm able to do something about them.

And this kind of thing really wakes you up again from the blinkered, narrow life-view that you get when you're 'comfortably numb' from everyday life.

Heres hoping the 8 guys in the 1 room on the 6th day do the right thing...

Do the right thing now- follow the links, sign the declarations, make the difference. They don't want your cash, just your name.

www.live8live.com
www.one.org

Got a bit of a headache...

Extreme Ways

I must confess to a moment of weakness but BEFORE you panic, I have NOT fallen off the 'wagon'.

I've had a REALLY crappy time at work recently, basically my manager is a complete COCK and for some reason has decided to focus his 'Seagull' Management skills on me ( thats where you swoop in, drop loads of shit, then fly off again whilst you clean up the mess ). Normally I can handle this, as he shares his 'wisdom' with 3-4 of us managers, and we all support eachother.

However, even they were suprised by his current relentless 'carpet-bombing' of (de)-motivational techniques on me, and me alone. Again, normally wouldn't bother me, but its been emotionally hard elsewhere recently, so I'm in a depression so low you could slide me under a door.

Then, to cap it all, the person I was close with for a little while hit me across the face with a verbal brick; in one of our now normal conversations ( aren't you proud of me, making it this far and doing the right thing?) she mentions that her boyfriend is taking her to see Katie Melua later in the year for her birthday. a) Boyfriend?? b) 'Our' Song!!

This hit me HARDER than it should have, I know, so I managed to pull myself out of that wreckage of a conversation with most of my dignity intact, took the rest of the day off and sulked about the state of my life generally.

I then posted the David Gray song, because thats how she used to affect me, before you guys helped me to my senses, to see if it would act as a release. It did not. So more sulking and now we're hitting the 'Absolut' in the freezer.

So the following day at work, she finds me and immediately apologises for her insensitivity. (Obviously didn't hide my feelings that well, then!) I apologised for my reaction - I have no right to do that, etc - and after that blip we seem to be back on an even keel.

Now I just have the boss to deal with. And theres me, all out of golf clubs to 'retrain' him with...

You still affect me...

Please forgive me If I act a little strange
For I know not what I do.
Feels like lightning running through my veins
Everytime I look at you
Everytime I look at you

Help me out here
All my words are falling short
And there’s so much I want to say
Want to tell you just how good it feels
When you look at me that way
When you look at me that way

Throw a stone and watch the ripples flow
Moving out across the bay
Like a stone I fall into your eyes
Deep into some mystery
Deep into that mystery

I got half a mind to scream out loud
I got half a mind to die
So I won’t ever have to lose you girl
Won’t ever have to say goodbye
I won’t ever have to lie
Won’t ever have to say goodbye
Yeah na na na na
Yeah na na na na

Please forgive me If I act a little strange
For I know not what I do
It’s like my head is filled with lightning girl
Everytime I look at you
Everytime I look at you
Everytime I look at you
Everytime I look at you

Homeward bound...

Finally home and feeling completely 'cream-crackered'. Got into 'The Shins' over in the U.S. - they had a track in the film 'In Good Company' which was an in-flight movie, and also in an episode of Scrubs ( according to my 'net research' ) - so I bought a couple of CDs of theirs and its good stuff. Fave tracks have to be 'New Slang' and 'Those to Come' but both CDs are very good.

The weather has held back home too - we left on a 90f day and its been in the mid- 80s here too ( temperature as opposed to musical era ), so now its a weekend packed with washing, ironing and hugging family. And tea!! Real tea !! - Apart from the 'Seattle Coffee Co' outlet, you can only get 'Liptons' tea in the hotels and restaurants where I was. It'll do, but its not the best in the world.

Right then, best unpack the suitcase and see what horrors lie within...

Go Pirates!!!

So here I am in sunny Pittsburgh, doing the work thing. Got to see a Baseball game last night, Pirates were playing the Nationals and the Pirates actually won! Got the game basics off of the 'net so I had an idea of the rules. What a long game! I wandered off for beer and food a few times during the game, got back to my seat and nothing had happened in between!

More work now tho'. Its been a long week but good fun as usual. This accent works wonders over here too!

Why do they put an 'S' in the word 'Lisp'?

And why is the word 'Dyslexic'(?) so hard to spell.
And why do banks charge you for having 'insufficient funds'?
And why does Chocolate make us feel better, and exercise worse? (or is that just me?)
And why is it SO hard to keep EVERYONE happy at the same time, with no exceptions?

I love being a hubby, and I really love being a Dad. My kids are great, even when they are naughty. And I do love my work, mostly.

I'm fine really, just running out of fans. At this rate, I'll need higher boots...

Isn't it ironic - Fuck OFF Alanis!

Another few light years have passed between my last post and this: its the last few weeks of wifeys teaching degree and so every kind of stress has descended on our house, and infinite shades of shit are hitting fans and AirCon units all over the gaff.

The ironic part, and this part is funny really, is that next week is her busiest and most important of them all. Lots of files to be reviewed and given in , lots of observations and monitoring, you get the idea. Earlier this year I changed my role within my company so that I could be home more for this important year, and then for the subsequent years when she is actually teaching. No real hardship on my part ( before you think I am all god-like) as I needed a change and I enjoy the current role. Plus she has waited 7 years to do this course, and now the youngest is at school, this is a good time

Next week is also when my bosses decide to send me off the the States again for an emergency meeting to hand-hold a nervous customer of ours during a product launch that may go completely 'tits-up' ( management term. honest ) - NOT the best timing in the world, as you can well imagine !! I've travelled twice a year overseas for the last 3 years, and was promised once per year MAX in the new role. Its now been twice in 6 weeks, and theres ANOTHER 3 definite trips before end of August!!

Wait thought, cos thats NOT the irony bit. As I'm in the States, I'll actually have more time to blog than I do at home... cue Alanis...

'Our man in Kabul'

Just 'skyped' my mate in Afghanistan; He's doing very well. Weather is ridiculously hot. Hes in the north of the country helping the UN help the Afghans set up the election infrastructure out there. Its not the safest job in the world, but he's done worse, and as he said, its in the warlords' (!) best interest to look after them as they are the ones up for election.

So I'm pushing my technological envelope and discovering all sorts of apps to help with communications; Skype is so cool! ( Apparently its like 'Vonage' - you know VoIP-type stuff ) you can talk or type and its free. Also, we're sharing pictures on 'Flickr' ( I know some of you already use this ;-D ) - what an excellent idea and it so easy to use too.

Finally, now we're not training as much, I've got time to build my own website. Using a free program off a magazine disc called NetFusion. Seems easy so far, and my 1st site is up in the virtual world. I know I've only scratched the surface of this program, but so far its not too bad, and the first site was ready in a few hours.

So, feeling the need for a 'well done T', I made some white chocolate and raspberry muffins! Oh yes, superbly gorgeous I can tell you. In fact they were SO good that they went before I could 'Flickr' them to Kabul. Ah well, that would have been teasing anyway, and he has a gun...

Has it been that long?!?

Golly its been a couple of weeks sincemy last post! Time flies when you throw clocks out of windows.

Its wifeys last few weeks on her 'How to be a teacher' degree, so pressure is on for yours truly to step up to the plate once more and be a linchpin / backbone-of-the-whole-operation kind of guy!

Also, in my spare time (?) I are mostly been building a website! Me! of all gods!
So far its looking good, and I've just purchased my domain name, so once its up, I may share the name for y'all ( have to check on my anonymity-thing first as it may blow that out of the water ).

And lastly, my friend has just gone to Afghanistan as a 'Security Consultant' mirroring U.N. election teams. Basically his team are posted out and help advise on potential sites for polling stations. So we've been doing a lot of prep work for that.

I shall return!! but I have to go for now...