My other life...
So to the crux of the blog, I guess. The 'not-quite-an' affair with a work colleague.
Yes folks, that old chestnut of mans greatest weakness; the opposite sex. Or actually the prospect of sex with someone who isn't your current partner. We're close, and we've done stuff, but no full intercourse. yet. Like that makes it better? Its all very confusing, these boundaries;
At what point does it become a full-blown affair? the act of thinking about her naked, the act of seeing her naked, or the act of fucking her, naked?
We keep going between 'we need to stop this; It'll destroy so many lives' to 'when can we steal our next 10, 30 minutes, few hours together?'
You think you're thinking straight when you try to rationalise the whole relationship; I won't go into stuff now, but its not just the physical attraction that kicked this off.
Then you think you've got a handle on it because you get a sick pit-of-the-stomach feeling at the guilt wave thats nearly drowned you as you go about your business in the local deli, or waiting for a bus, or even worse, eating with your family.
posted by T | 8:45 pm
9 Comments:
'Because we do most things relying only on our own sagacity we become self-interested, turn our backs on reason, and things do not turn out well. As seen by other people this is sordid, weak, narrow and inefficient. When one is not capable of true intelligence, it is good to consult with someone of good sense' - from a book we both know - 'Hagakure' - Like your idea; unfortunately, its not that sunny in the real world...
Hmmm....this is a tough one. Life is hard and can be boring and unrewarding at times. The lure of the affair adds that soupcon of much needed excitement.
From someone who has been on both ends of that situation in the past, it always ends up sucking ass. It's much better to decide and then get the divorce, be brave and start over.
I don't know many wives/husbands who'd cotton to the threesome thing. I'd keep that one to myself if I were you.
Remember, your mind is your own. In it, you can do anything at all. It's very freeing.
Cheers!
Thanks for the input Lauren: The 3-somes not even in the equation! Just another item on the male fantasy list, but not in this situation. Be brave & do the right thing is what I'm reading. Without being nosey, how did you deal with the aftermath? Thats pretty much whats stopped it going further so far; the guilt, potential guilt and the kids faces if they found out the truth...
I dealt with the aftermath the only way you can...one step at a time.
I've just found it's better to be real than be fake even if it's difficult. Its not the easy thing, it's the brave thing. At least you can respect yourself for your honesty.
I came to realize it actually matters not just what you do, but HOW you do it. This is where self esteem comes from. Not from conquests. I found that the easy part. It's a hollow lonely victory.
The best feeling is in living your life honestly but still being bold enough to put your needs at the top of the list. Get what you want. Do it with dignity. Your kids, ex, current woman will all have to respect that, even if they wont admit it to your face.
Just be certain you're not just getting off on the sneaking around part of the affair. If it's the excitement of the sneak that you crave, you may not like making the woman you're elicit with, legitimate. Then she becomes someone mundane and you'll need the fix of another sneak partner.
I say this with compassion b/c I've experienced it. I'm not casting aspersions in your direction. Trust me on that.
Someday we will be in our 60's and won't it be great if we can look back and say: Hey, I've made mistakes but when I knew better I did better.
Sorry if I was too preachy, but you did ask! =)
Lauren, again with the excellent advice! I feel like I have my own personal counsellor. Thanks for your openness and also honest p.o.v - & You're not coming across as preachy at all. I value few peoples opinion, but your blog and these comments are welcome(!?) words. I hadn't even thought if it was the sneak / chase that excites me. Something else for me to analyse and work on, or at least face up to if necessary
I will take the job of your personal counselor happily. I am well qualified. Just throw it at me and I'll bounce it back atcha. I've been through the same stuff and I've even been to counseling. No problem.
I really am giving you gems here. If you care to listen, it will help. Be careful of the excitment syndrome. Something in you will have to mature enough to realize that you'll have to get over that in favor of comfort and lasting unconditional love. It doesn't mean you're old or ungroovy. It's not such a difficult task and with the right woman it shouldn't be without it's very exciting moments.
At least I'm still fighting for those moments.
I've found that all relationships end up sort of bla and mundane. The addictive beginning only lasts for a few months...longer if you're not able to devote too much time to them and /or are already married.
You're still young. If you want to do this, do it quickly. Then don't recommit to the other woman but be free. You need that time of complete freedom, I suspect.
Don't forget those children. They love and need you. Be there and share custody. You'll all be the better for it. Don't be so ashamed or guilty you give them up to momma. They need papa too.
I can't do this quickly; My partners waited 'til the kids are school age so that he can finally get her teaching degree. Thats hard work already, and theres no way I'm gonna throw this at her now. She needs this and I'm happy to carry on doing all the supporting work so that she can concentrate solely on her work. ( As you may have already read from the very early posts ) - I'm keeping it all in and there doesn't seem to be any 'leakage' because of our relationship as it is now; This gives me time to make the right decision, as I've taken a mutual step back from 'the other woman' also. This should give as much freedom as I'm able to get to work this out.
You're right about relationships ending up mundane ; it seems to be only the length of time that changes between the honeymoon bit ans the real world daily living stuff. Both are good, and I've had the daily living stuff for enough years to know that this is also worthy. I've seen that the grass is not greener, etc from other peoples experiences, but instead of learning from other peoples 'mistakes', I seem intent on making my own! Whats all that about! I need to slap myself sensible sometimes - oh shit I feel a lucid moment coming on...
Theres a lot to take in on your post; thanks for taking the time to even bother with this. Its much appreciated.. ;-)
It's good your partner will have her degree to fall back on regardless of what happens. Teaching is great for moms because you get the same time off as they do and can be around for them. I am considering such a degree for similar reasons.
Its funnny that we get these feelings, and usually in the late 30's to 40's. I don't know why I just can't settle in to my life and get comfortable. I keep reevaluating and rethinking everything. Feeling satisfied is so damn illusive.
I'm currently in my second stab at marital monogamy. It's not easier this time around. Just different. Hmmmm... What's the answer? If you figure anything out feel free to share.
This seems to be a common theme running thru blogs; I'm becoming a serial blogger, in that I love the 'Next Blog' button and reading other peoples blogs - I guess its a natural extension from the people-watching we do in parks, cafes, etc.
Back to my original thought tho'. I certainly read more blogs by unhappy / uncertain / unsettled people than from the other group! I think you're right about the age range too; Its kind of bearing out my very 1st post about blogging being a new form of therapy; There are so many people willing to share, help, guide and support, that its very easy to see why this type of blog seems to more common, but also why more and more people are blogging ( estimates range from 9,000 to 15,000 new blogs EACH day! )
But back to you; have you always felt unsettled, and regularly re-evaluating, or is this a 'current' relationship thing?
For me, I've always felt this way, and I've just assumed that its me,and not my circumstances / relationships. I'm pretty sure I'd always be like this, no matter where I was, what job I had, or who I was with. Not sure if that helps, but at least you're not alone!
Post a Comment
<< Home